looks good on you, kid

“We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them” Albert Einstein
So I’m no genius, but this had actually already occurred to me, but for a long time I think I went about it the wrong way. I remember asking people around me what I was doing wrong. Looking back, the only thing I can think now is “How the hell were they supposed to know?” We keep so much to ourselves, but more than that, we keep so much from ourselves. Sometimes the people around us catch on, but sometimes we’re great at it and no one ever suspects the d’erty little things we’re thinking about ourselves.
For me, it was like… thinking without thinking. It’s the things the one just believes as true that are the foundation of one’s thoughts. So you know, you just let them play on auto. Like a radio. 
I used to think that I wasn’t enough.
I slowly discovered that I was the one that was constantly validating this idea that I had been found lacking. A lot of the time, I think people assumed that I was having a “down day” or something particular had happened to me to make me “feel” that way, but … I slowly began to discover that I didn’t really feel that way… I thought that way. My belief system was built on a lot of negative things and though I was aware that something was wrong, it was so ingrained in my system that I didn’t know how to change it. Enter mind-blowing frustration. 
I, also, admit whether the world had seen me differently or not, whether the world thought I was enough and even treated me like it, I was just too great at finding what was lacking. I was too amazing at building my theory, I had a way of finding the slightest smidgen of evidence that proved my theory right. And of course, in time, the majority of things that I attracted agreed with me.
At one point in my life, everything around me validated my shitty-ness.
Let me just say that it takes a little bit of genius to be able to make that sh*t happen. I made it so the world around me validated my beliefs. Imagine that. I mean, I’m not proud of it or anything, but you know, it did cross my mind—Wow, I’m good. If I created a world that validated this shitty side. What would happen if I changed the things I believed about myself? Would the world follow in the same way?
I thought about this long and hard, because though it was exciting to think about. It was exciting to realize that I might have a chance here, to change everything. Which led to the inevitable question: So, how the F$%k do I change the way that I think?
You’re going to hate me for this, but I realized that I didn’t know the belief system that was running my life. And the only way to get to know it, was to see it, to listen to it, to expose it. So, I would start rambling out loud or on paper. I would open an email draft or begin to scribble for 5 minutes on to a blank sheet and I’d write down things that were annoying me and why. If I had a problem, I would talk to myself out loud and just so raw that had someone walked in, I would have fainted from the sheer horror.
And then one day, you begin to actually read or listen to the things that you are staining the air the with. You begin to see pollution for what it is. I became important to annoy myself. It became important that I saw the content that was skating through my head 24/7. And I gotta tell you, once you start seeing that, you begin to understand a little bit of thinking that created your situation and … you begin to see the light.
Years later, I can tell you, you hold the key to mostly all your problems. They won’t go away. I still have issues, but the way that I manage them and I live them is so different now. Slowly you’ll begin to realize that the only thing that you really needed to do to change who you are, what you do, and how you do it, is pay attention to yourself. You think a lot of things all day long. You go a lot of places with that thinking. You shake a lot hands with those thoughts. And you graze a lot of hearts with that ego of yours. Think about that. 
One day you’ll realize that you participated in the acquisition of everything in your life.
And then, maybe you’ll start to wonder about that job or person you’ve been pining over. And as the bad thoughts about yourself start to fade, you’ll begin to really see what kind of bad light it took to attract this person or this role. And just like that, boom—a revolution.
And revolt looks good on you, kid.

About Antonella Saravia

Antonella is a New York based writer from Nicaragua.

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