junticos

Where did we leave off? I don’t remember. Do you? Are you new? This is kind of like when you rediscover your favorite restaurant. Why did I stop coming here again?

Anyway, I was at a friend’s house the other day when she said, “It’s not fun to write about your life, it’s too intimate,” but I think that’s all I ever wrote about. Whoever it happened to, if something lingered, I thought about it (a lot) and then, wrote about it. I like understanding things, don’t you? As they say, “our strengths are also our weaknesses.” We all said it in our Entry Level interviews but turns out it was legit.

As I was saying, my friend continued talking about her platform. She’s a different breed—a podcaster, and she was going on about her next episode. I was struck with an intense emotion.

As I festered struggling to understand a mild ickiness, I realized I was jealous. Nietzsche was brilliant in identifying envy as the ultimate red-flag emotion. When we’re jelly it means we want something. If used properly, it can be a handy tool.

Later that day and again the morning that followed, my brain began composing sentences in client meetings. Something that hadn’t happened in years.

If you’ve been here before, as a reader, I’m sure you've changed since I last posted. We may not be aligned like we used to be. Don’t be scared if we aren’t. I have changed as a writer, as a human, as a female. We grow up, but how much really? Amirite?

Ah growth! I often spoke about evolving in prior ramblings, but I realize now that I had been looking at it all wrong. Hope I didn’t confuse you there. I used to see growth as a one-time deal, like eventually I’d just “be done.” You know, like throw my big expensive black coat on the couch, pop a bottle and be like “I’ve arrived, serve it!”

I mean, aren’t we all hoping that happens? Aren’t we secretly expecting everything to be peachy all of a sudden? Isn’t that the secret little bitchy frustration that surfaces when things go left again? I THOUGHT WE AGREED THIS WAS OVER.

I was unconsciously craving for the growing up to stop and for the rest of my life to be that ‘5pm on a Saturday with your feet in the sand’ kind of feeling.

So, I battled with that for a while. Aren’t you glad I didn’t write? Because frankly, it all made me a little depressed, until…I realized that no one around me was done either. And well, I hate to be human, but that felt great.

We’re all screwed. Junticos.

I guess it’s like having a thing on your to do list that you’ll never be done crossing off. I like mastering things so you can only imagine how annoying this is for me. The realization left me with few choices and after a few tantrums, it was time for me to wise up. I figured, if this is endless, I might as well learn to enjoy the work rather than dread what it means.

The really weird thing? The more I move forward, the more I get a taste for it, it’s becoming the one thing I don’t want to end. Evolving is bliss, even if we’re all screwed.